|The Grass Is Never Greener - When Will We Be Perfect Enough For Each Other?
By Larry Cox
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As if life isn’t difficult enough. We love to burden ourselves, and our loved ones, with the notion that our physical exhibition simply doesn’t measure up — but measure up to who: ourselves, each other, society, vanity product manufacturers, or all of the above? Join me on a tour through my brief insights on keeping up appearances.
So there I was, taking a break from my busy schedule, watching a little evening television. I was feeling pretty good about myself. I was extremely happy with my life and my accomplishments up to that point. My self-esteem seemed to be at a comfortable level. I mean, I wasn’t cutting myself to purge any bottled-up aggression over the decrease in definition of my six-pac. Sure I have gone up a couple waist sizes over the past three years, as middle age has settled in, but that has provided me with a great resting place for my occasional bowl of chocolate triple fudge brownie cashew caramel swirl ice cream, as I relax in my recliner.
I also have a noticeable under-bite that my dentist loves to tease me about at every six-month checkup, and some wrinkles have taken up residence on my face. I find myself using reading glasses more and more, and I see a dermatologist once a year to check out all my new little spots. I have to go in once a year for a biopsy of my esophagus due to a condition that has developed over the years due to acid reflux disease, and I take a pill for that every day. Nevertheless, I feel truly blessed with my life. Things could always be worse, and I am always aware that there are those who are less fortunate than me. All-in-all life is wonderful. What could I possibly be disappointed about? I was about to be reminded.
All it took was one commercial break to point out that I was less than adequate from the perspective of popular human consensus — at least according to the manufacturers advertising their products. In two minutes I found out that my teeth aren’t white enough, my penis isn’t huge enough, my body isn’t ripped and hard enough, and my lips aren’t nearly full enough. Wow, I thought everything was fine. What the hell went wrong since the last commercial break where I learned about dog food, car insurance, soda pop, and some new movie release?
I can tell you that it is not only product manufacturers who are obsessed with trying to make a guy like me feel less than adequate, in order to turn a hefty profit. Much of society not only obsesses about their mates, or potential mates, but also about themselves, simply because they have been inundated with such offensive, and frequent, advertisements everywhere they turn. Ads that would make even the most near-perfect specimen question some aspect of their stud, or diva, factor. And not only television ads, but all forms of print media, e-mail spam, infomercials, exaggerated fantasy Internet chat, and on-and-on — a full-throttle, twenty-four-hour-a-day barrage on our self-confidence, and on our abilities to appreciate others for who they are.
We have all seen what I am talking about. We can’t escape it. There is a pill, cream, patch, gadget, drink, gum, and every other gimmick under the sun, available to conquer whatever shortcoming that we are convinced we should suffer over our physiques — and advertisers spare no expense in providing us with plenty of things to become self-conscious about. And while they continually overrun us with new fears and worries, things we would have never even considered on our own, they also feed the critical eye with which we all see one another. Before long, no one seems to please us for much longer than our tainted attention spans will allow.
It surrounds us on all fronts in the form of pills, creams, patches, and drinks that promise to take on hair loss, penis and breast enhancement, wrinkles, lip enlargement, weight loss, memory enhancement, non-surgical face-lifts, and much, much more. All of these products along with every physical fitness gimmick known to mankind, including that Ab Lounge thing that is more reminiscent of an out-of-control motorized lawn chair than a piece of exercise equipment. Yes, every product imaginable to take your image to the level that manufacturers proclaim you need to achieve, along with all of the false promises that these build-the-perfect-you products have to offer. Let’s take a look at three of my favorite marketing myths.
The Miracle Pill or Cure-all Elixir
Please people, you are killing me. I mean, society has been scrutinizing and mocking the silliness of the cure-everything products since the covered-wagon days. Yet, since 1999, you Americans have spent over $7.3 billion on the likes of The Greatest Vitamin In The World, and the 7-Day Miracle Cleanse. Much to your dismay folks, there is no one concoction that will give your car a showroom-finish shine, add body to your thinning hair, and cure your spastic colon. Wake the hell up!
But no, you fell for it as you dialed toll free numbers, and jumped on your computers, rattling off your credit card numbers on the slim chance that pigs will fly and drop-ship your miracle pill that will cure all of your headaches, fatigue, impotence, loss of appetite, over-eating, weight problems, migraines, high blood pressure, PMS, bowel dysfunctions, kidney stones, constipation, acid reflux, stress, worry, high cholesterol, arthritis, ulcers, tumors, diabetes, cancer, blood disorders, ulcers, hair loss, premature ejaculation, blood clots, tendonitis, Alzheimer’s — and the remaining laundry list of all of life’s hurdles that prevent you from being all that you can be. It’s a good thing that this is all bullshit, or we’d have an awful lot of bad doctors in the unemployment line, awaiting the chance to give us bad haircuts, or install our hot and cold water lines backwards.
Ladies, you struggled faithfully for equality through the centuries, and you took your cause into CEO positions within the world of mainstream corporate America. They call that perseverance. Yet, despite your well-deserved success, you still go to great lengths to live up to what our pathetic society dictates is required for you to be lusted after by the male persuasion. You worked so hard to come so far, and now you embarrass yourselves by spending over $85 million rubbing creams on your lips and breasts to make them grow. I call that, a setback.
I’m teasing of course, but you ladies have to admit that such a statistic is a bit disconcerting. I say this because you sit there in front of the television, and watch as some young thang rubs a secret squirrel lip gloss-like goop on her lips, and then time-elapsed footage shows her lips morph into tractor tire inner tubes before your very eyes. Then there is the turbocharged cocoa butteresque cream that the animated character on the screen simulates rubbing on her breast, and again, real honest-to-goodness growth. Really ladies . . . $85 million? Also, how come the rubbing of the cream and the time-elapsed breast growth has to come in the form of an artist’s rendition? That’s not fair at all. If they are going to steal our money, we should at least get to witness The Real McCoy.
Anyway, regarding the breast thing, stick to the standard augmentation methods, at least you get what you pay for. However, if you really want plump lips, save your hard-earned fifty bucks for that roll-on plumping serum that gives you fuller lips for up to twelve hours. Give me a call. I’ll punch you in the mouth for a Venti White Chocolate Mocha — five bucks and guaranteed plump lips that will last up to six days.
Okay gals, this is where you get to even the scales of vanity justice. This is where the male segment of our species gets to prove what you ladies have been saying all along — you know, the whole thinking with the little head synopsis. Yes folks, there are oodles of products out there that are advertised in the hopes of solving all of your self-esteem dilemmas. However, no one particular product is as frequently in-your-face as the ever-present male enhancement products — to the fully-engorged tune of $165 million spent.
You know what I am talking about — the commercials that you have to squirm through as you sit with your children during the football game. Yes, those powerful advertisements that boast products that will “Target that certain part of the male anatomy for real and noticeable growth.” Why don’t they just say it will make your penis bigger? Then you won’t have to fidget and stutter as you try to come up with an answer to your nine year old daughter’s question asking, “What are they talking about daddy?” If they just said, “You’ve never seen Mr. Meat so angry as you will when you start taking our new-and-improved Pile Driver,” then you could just walk into the kitchen to fetch the Doritos® without so much as word of clarification to your children. Well, maybe just the Pile Driver thing.
Speaking of product names, there are a lot of boring scientific names out there for male enhancement products — names such as Enzyte™, Orexis™, Alzare™, and many others. However, I particularly like Extenze™. That was just pure marketing genius on behalf of whoever came up with that name. Can’t you just imagine growth when you hear that word? Extension ladder comes to mind when I hear it. Just hearing that word sets off visions of a Hanes boxer brief Pinocchio hysteria. Another name that I find interesting is Longitude™. I had to laugh out loud when I saw that one. I couldn’t help thinking that this product may not only increase the size of your penis, but would also help you navigate half way to Singapore in your boat without consulting a map.
Now there is male enhancement chewing gum. Yes, you heard me — penis gum. MaximumGum™ is the latest breakthrough in giving Mister Dibbles his much-needed girth. Yes, male enhancement is now as easy as popping a Chiclet® in your mouth. MaximumGum™ boasts that your penis will not just be longer and thicker, but healthier. You certainly can’t complain about that added bonus — a healthier penis. That just conjures up a whole new vision when I think of the term “He’s just a picture of health.”
Also, have you seen the e-mail spam advertisement that has been floating around in cyberspace, as well as on MySpace, and on other forums and guestbook type applications on the Internet? It’s the one where the girl is talking about wondering why her boyfriend’s penis has been getting larger. Then she tells you that she found his secret stash of male enhancement pills, and how he has been growing like three inches during each of the last two months, and how he is still growing, and how you should buy these pills too — and it goes on-and-on. I was laughing so hard thinking about how pretty soon her boyfriend would have to throw his penis out the sliding rear window of his pickup truck, and onto the Jet Ski trailer just to run to the grocery store.
In my research for this article I read reports from several gentlemen who tested and rated all of the popular male enhancement products on the market. Their final conclusions were unanimous. They stated that they had nothing positive to say about any of the products, that they experienced no growth, and that most of the companies had terrible, or no, customer service whatsoever. Imagine that — sounds to me like they all got stuck with the short end of the stick, so to speak.
Again, similar to my lip plumper offer, simply give me a call. For a snow cone I’ll smack your penis with a ball-peen hammer. I guarantee real and noticeable growth. It will be the most cost effective dollar-twenty-five you will have spent in a long time.
Anyway, to wrap things up, remember how disappointed you were when you finally received your Sea Monkeys in the mail and dumped them in the water. Where were their little crowns and swim fins? And where were their big white smiles and wide eyes? And remember how the formula and vitamins that you purchased for these glorified brine shrimp did absolutely nothing to make them healthier or grow bigger? Well be prepared America, because such is the bitter pill you will swallow following the purchase of any of the products that I have discussed here.
Medical journals, doctors, and disillusioned customers of these mighty miracle products, will all tell you that the claims of such product manufacturers are all lies. All of the manufacturers of products that I have mentioned have been, or are in the process of being, busted by the FDA or the FTC.
So here is the key. Be comfortable and confident in yourself. Be happy with what God gave you. Work on the things that you can actually improve upon, but only for your own feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction, and not catering to the insatiable and self-serving ambitions of your unappreciative mate, or the maligned judgment of jaundiced society — as neither will ever be satisfied. And most of all, accept the things that you cannot change. Be at peace in knowing that those who truly love and care about you don’t see your perceived shortcomings — they only see you.
© Copyright 2007 Larry Cox All Rights Reserved
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